Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
