Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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