Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
