The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
