Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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