My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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