bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
