would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
