we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You're a disaster
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