standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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