Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
