Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
