R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
