And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
