now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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