Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
