I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
