hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
