i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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