im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He did a backflip because drugs
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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