I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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