After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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