Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
