i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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