If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
