I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
