I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
