you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
