My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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