His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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