she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
