Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
