I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
