Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
