If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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