He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
