I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
