How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
