Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
