tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
