he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
