new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
