i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
In America we eat man semen.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
