You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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