I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
