He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
