my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
