if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
