Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
