..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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